Looking for Mr. Straight by Tarra Helfgott is a book by a woman who dated more than her fair share of men who are likely closeted homosexuals. She does not have anything against gay men (or women); she just doesn't want to waste time trying to find a lasting relationship with one. In college she dated often and at times felt something “off” about some of the men she dated. Then Tarra lived and dated prolifically for the better part of a decade in New York City. She availed herself frequently of all manner of dating services such as speed dating, online dating, matchmaking services, themed singles parties and blind dates. Just as in college, she all too often sensed something not quite “right” about some of the men she dated. Over the course of these years, she developed a sixth sense, “gaydar,” for picking up on subtle clues that asingle man might well be struggling with his true sexuality. As she encountered these types of men so often, she endeavored to investigate further why men would date women, pursue them even, if their true nature was to be homosexual.
Tarra longed to improve on her odds of finding someone with whom she could develop a successful, long-term relationship. In the course of trying to understand her knack for attracting these men and wanting to know how to avoid dating them, she learned a lot. Tarra pieces together knowledge she gained from gay men and women, as well as other single women who also dated men who seemed to be closeted homosexuals. She consolidates all she learned and makes sense of why scores of men, who aren’t truly interested at their core in women, would throw themselves into the heterosexual dating pool.
I am a 50-year-old married woman who hasn’t been in the dating pool in a long time, and plans never to be again, and yet I loved this book! It made me think back on my own past dating life and now I’m convinced that several men I dated were probably closeted gay men. Back then, I knew something wasn’t quite right while dating these men, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. With Tarra’s insight and the stories from gay men who actually dated and even married women before coming out of the who actually dated and even married women before coming out of the closet, it now makes more sense to me. I also think about friends of mine who had frustrating dating relationships with some men, and now I theorize they were probably gay men as well. Although there is no scientific data on which to hang her claims in Looking for Mr. Straight, Tarra still comes through as reasonably discerning and informed, based on her own experiences, those of friends, and actual explanations from gay men who were, at one time, exactly the kind of men she encountered dating.
Tarra longed to improve on her odds of finding someone with whom she could develop a successful, long-term relationship. In the course of trying to understand her knack for attracting these men and wanting to know how to avoid dating them, she learned a lot. Tarra pieces together knowledge she gained from gay men and women, as well as other single women who also dated men who seemed to be closeted homosexuals. She consolidates all she learned and makes sense of why scores of men, who aren’t truly interested at their core in women, would throw themselves into the heterosexual dating pool.
I am a 50-year-old married woman who hasn’t been in the dating pool in a long time, and plans never to be again, and yet I loved this book! It made me think back on my own past dating life and now I’m convinced that several men I dated were probably closeted gay men. Back then, I knew something wasn’t quite right while dating these men, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. With Tarra’s insight and the stories from gay men who actually dated and even married women before coming out of the who actually dated and even married women before coming out of the closet, it now makes more sense to me. I also think about friends of mine who had frustrating dating relationships with some men, and now I theorize they were probably gay men as well. Although there is no scientific data on which to hang her claims in Looking for Mr. Straight, Tarra still comes through as reasonably discerning and informed, based on her own experiences, those of friends, and actual explanations from gay men who were, at one time, exactly the kind of men she encountered dating.
Readers' Testimonials
a wonderful eye-opener for every dating woman!!!
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I found this book quite interesting in view of the fact that I have been a counselor in this field for 30 plus years. Looking at it from a younger woman's perspective brought a new dimension of how this generation has to view their dating choices. Most interestingly--and sadly--it shows that even though we are in a time of "enlightenment," the same problem keeps perpetuating itself. Men who don't want to be gay believe that dating women and marrying them will be the decisive factor in changing their personalities. It's so sad. Helfgott does a great job in identifying different ways to identify possible gay men with her "G" list of hints. I strongly recommend this book to anyone of dating age. It is interesting, relevant, informative, and very well written. ~Bonnie Kaye
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the complete guide to
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A necessary, insightful and important exploration of closeted gay male culture: "Looking For Mr. Straight: A Guide to Identifying the Closeted Gay Man You May Be Dating". Tarra Helfgott has become in tune to her "gaydar" largely through observation and personal experience, and the input of several of her gay friends. There are also brief personal stories where gay men have recalled dating women. With the rise and popularity of online dating, it is much easier than ever for a closeted man to hide and cover his true intentions. There are many things any woman can learn by both casual and careful observation that are hints and clues to a man's sexual orientation. Helfgott explained how a single friend of hers was so impressed by a 6 hour phone conversation with a perspective suitor, where the instant intimate connection was both gratifying and intriguing, in fact it was similar to the closeness she had with her girlfriends. Helfgott explains what happens in these "instant connections", and why they may not always be in a woman's best interest, what may follow later, and why. The "bromance" and "metro-men" are discussed in detail, also the average direct and uncomplicated straight man. With the acceptance of LGBT individuals socially and culturally in society, the legalization of gay marriage, there is still much stigma associated with homosexuality. Many closeted men not only date women, but go on to marry them and have families. It is simply easier to appear straight to gain cultural and social acceptance. Eventually the true nature of a man's orientation may surface, and we hear stories of gay men finally coming to terms with this and leaving their wives. There are also men who will take the true nature of their orientation to their grave. Helfgott explains that marriage to a woman will not change a mans sexual orientation. This is a very notable and a must-read book that will benefit women who wonder if these men can be avoided. Tarra Helfgott is an experienced copywriter, educated at Cornell University, she lives in Manhattan. This is her first book. ~Missmickeesunshine
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A book for 21st century gals! |
I thoroughly enjoyed Ms. Helfgott's book. I do not frequent the dating scene as I am 40+ years happily wed, but I have daughters that are quite in the midst of finding Mr. Right. So Tarra's book was a welcomed present to my daughters as well as giving me kudos for being "cool." They found her words of wisdom not only entertaining, but quite spot on. My favorite scene? The time her date ordered a frothy alcoholic drink and waxed poetic about it. Tarra described the scene perfectly right down to her rationalization that this wasn't happening to her again! Her pithy sense of humor and urbane style make for a great gal pal book group offering. You can chuckle and learn a world of womanly wisdom at the same time. Bravo to a with-it gal who just tells it like it is and is entertaining while doing it. ~Diane Merrill
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Caring men with true love? |
This is a MUST read for any woman in search of her soul mate. Single heterosexual females naively equate the instant connection they feel toward sensitive, caring men with true love. That is, until they try to have sex with them. In her book, Looking for Mr. Straight, Tarra Helfgott aptly points out that the key to finding out whether or not your boyfriend is gay is time spent in the bedroom together. So, in order to understand his sexual orientation, examine his sexual behavior: Does he genuinely want to have sex with you? Does he seem to enjoy it? Or does he make excuses? By delineating, chapter by chapter, clear signs he might be in the closet, this book will help you become more aware of your romantic choices. I highly recommend! ~Liza Miller
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The truth be told! |
Tarra Helfgott's recently published guidebook, Looking for Mr. Straight, opens a door often overlooked and seldom peeked into. Even though it appears that the broad area of sexual preference has changed dramatically through a wide swath of society's openness and acceptance today, its multiple facets remain complex and often remain elusive and secreted. The challenge facing many women, more than one can imagine, in America and around the world engaged in the dating scene, continues to oft time be a quandary or even a quagmire. Finally, someone has written a book opening the secretive door much wider to expose a sharper reality. A reality for women who may be dating a closeted gay man. Tarra Helfgott illuminates her own journey of experiences within this foggy and hidden dating world with humor, insight and straight forward insights and an easy writing style. Although Tarra's experiences and enlightenment may offend some, the truth be told with its help to many great! ~Dr. H
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Five stars! |
Great easy read. It was very entertaining. I loved hearing all of the great anecdotal stories. ~Sports fan
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